It's been a few months now. Life has taken an unexpected turn. Initially I was fighting the change, thought the way things were was just perfect why change ? Gradually changes seemed to incite sporadic episodes of pure joy and happiness. I wondered if it would last. People tell me I'm not an optimist. I think I'm a realist, have no idea which is actually true. From past i have learned not to cling on to idea of happiness which depends on other people who you adore and love. So when I feel happy because of someone's love and not just by myself it troubles me.
So well things are moving i am feeling emotions that I thought were meant to be felt only once. But life surprises its benign beings. I'm humbled and feel a spectrum of emotions which I thought I could not feel. I'm at acceptance stage and the feelings are becoming habit.
From past experience, everyday habits relating to chores die hard as it is but emotional habits die harder. From past experiences, dwelling in past experiences does not help. Well life is funny that way it expects you to take things in your stride. Be open and bold and things turn out well it's because you were open to live life every moment. But if things go south, why you didn't learn from past so the joke is on the helpless benign being. Fear of losing or things going south spreads its poisonous tentacles.
I'm a realist and a fighter. I fight the poisonous toxins but still I feel lost. Lost since an emotional cocktail is swirling around in my heart and mind alike. I'm high and I don't know when the hangover will hit me if it will. Will I loose the current idea of myself or reinvent myself. Is reinventing good or bad?
Someone told me once that being neutral is the best no matter what variables are existing or even if certain variables are becoming constant. It is excruciatingly hard. I'm sure it's the most ideal way of life, but it's hard. I'm human, to feel and react to variables at least to an extent, I feel is the way it was meant to be. So I will feel, and be bold and accept the changes and just hope to almighty, the reinvented me is someone I will be able to see with pride as tides of time embrace me now and in future.
The Phoenix rises with hope it will survive with a love high!
